:: big sigh :: (no-op)

So I'm not getting the surgery at the moment. Maybe in the future but not for another 3 months. They think that I'm too stressed. (um duh) so, I'm honestly hoping that work drops me like a hot cake so I can be free as a bird and then go from there. Go to the gym. Avoid the crap food that I sometimes crave, and then see where I stand in three month, with out the work stress. Just the stress of oh, not being working etc.

I'm tempted to run to another hospital and apply for surgery again. I'm tempted to just run screaming. It's going to be a short night I think and bed soon.

Warning Hostile Environment (pre-op)

So, there are a few things I can share with you both honestly, and as nonspecific as I can be. For the purposes of this blog my work place shall be called work. The kind of work is call center. That is really all that my little heart feels safe putting online.

Work is not a place that I would go to on my own. While I do enjoy the company of some there, they do after all hire good people, the actual job.... bites. We assuage a general feeling of malcontent with.... da da dah candy. Also cake. Some times BBQ in a slow cooker that I have always called sloppy joe's. Wash it all down with soda, and then sit on out rear ends again.

Each day when I go in there I want to eat. When I come home I want to get over work with eating. I am very much looking forward to leaving the job and it may even be possible. There is a chance that I may soon be able to leave on my own terms. I can not wait for this to happen and spend most of my free time praying I'm not grasping at imaginary straws.

So, I am left trying not to "self sooth" with out food. There is even.. a book!
I actually have been enjoying reading this book. In and of itself I find it soothing. Maybe it's the green cover. Maybe because inside it says take time to read. It really is ok to step away from the negativity of others to gain your own balance. I still feel guilty when I ask someone for time, or space away from their drama, it's hard to say at this point, I'm sorry but I too am important.

Try doing it today. Take a moment for yourself with out feeling selfish and know that you are worth your own time. Feel, not just know that you can be granted concern over yourself and your own well being.

It can be hard at first. I laughingly say "I'm sorry I'm having my selfish time," and then enjoy the rest of my self imposed break. I am not saying be hard hearted in this, if someone comes to you in real need, help them if you can. Just, take time from your own hostile environment, be it work, home, social engagement, to be with yourself and listen you yourself.

I took some time with the yoga to do that. More moving and stretching is, better for me then just sitting still, and it was quite helpful. Even though I'm going into work in just a few short hours, I am fortified with a sense of well being, warmth and my own home. stretching out this morning with a sun salutation also made me think more about the sun. I still don't feel I spend enough time in it, and it is just a 2 mile walk to work, so I'm going to take that jaunt downtown sans car. Yet another stress removed from my day, asshole drivers only to be replaced with a mental life source, the sun.

Today I *am* a number (pre-op)

That number is #290. Last month is was #289. I needed to be #284. I'm going to try a few more things this month. I'm seeing the exercise physiologist on Thursday to get a better work out.

I'm going to blog for the next 21 days (I started late didn't mean to just, can access computers from work, and found out late got started late.... and late.

Part of it is the blogging. I enjoy that. It gives me a place to be upset that I gained a pound in this last month, water weight or no. If it is water weight HORRIBLE TIMING BODY. If it's not, well I'll work harder. I'm not entirely sure that I can reach 800 words a day, for me just blogging every day will be something of a feat.

It also gives me a place to think about how possible lay offs may be effecting my relationship with food. (Why is it I eat more during the week and almost always crave chocolate when at work?)

Next part of the 21•5•800, The Yoga! I have been focusing more on the cardo end of fitness and will continue to do so but adding an element of yoga is going to give me some more flexibility. For one thing I can do it in the privacy of my own home. This is important to me since I hate having people see me at a point of weakness. Yes, etting hot and sweaty on an elliptical. fine. Trying to touch my toes and falling or god forbid trying to get into full child, painful an embarrassing.

Just the word yoga brings back different, but almost all good emotions and memories. I was introduced to it in high school, as I was in so many things. It was winter, and the room was cold. Having that time before dawn, first to breath, then to stretch and learn a sun salutation brought great peace to my mornings. I, will take a step to bring some of that peace back into my life. Lately things have been going at such a fast pace it can be hard to breath much less thinking and being mindful.

Im hoping that yoga, and blogging, will help me to become a more mindful person in full. Living in the moment now, eating in the now (limited to 20 minutes at a time and decent food stuff) and not forgetting that everything I do effects my body.

My goal for the next 21 dys that I am adding to the yoga and the writing, is to spend the 20 minutes allotted to eating thinking about each bite. I have a lot of time to do so because, I'm at the point that all food gets chewed to the consistency of apple sauce.

When I eat vegetables I can think of the earth the grew them and the sun that warmed them, as well as the delicious flavor and the changes each one brings. Eating meat, again there are subtile flavors that each kind of meat comes with. The differences in marinades, and ultimately the life that was given. I don't think that I am going to stop eating meat but i want to be mindful. I hope that this surgery doesn't take away from my enjoyment of food either but I am prepared to enjoy things a little less.

So, here's to being mindful, to the body, to the soul and for life.


word count, 614. So close to 800 but I am done for the evening.

The 50/50 split (pre-op)

There is nothing in the world that can replace a good support network, and when you tell those close to you that you are thinking about bariatric surgery they will all have a opinion. Some will be supportive, others down right nasty. A whole lot of them are going to be new found experts because they had a friend, a family member that had it.

I'll tell you something right now and I feel like a jerk saying it but the 50% of people that tell you not to get it, that talk about the health problems someone else had, listen to them, make up your own mind and if you deiced to get the surgery do it. Anyone who has had this surgery will tell you a few different things, and it's worth addressing early in your decision making process.

1) Your life and relationship with food have to change. I have a friend who can't eat rice. I have another then can eat rice, and food with sugar up to 10 grams with out getting sick. Another friend dropped the weight, felt great, but due to cancer is not doing well over all. She does however say the surgery has been a huge help in mitigating the weight problem and her other health problems are unrelated. Each body is different, and during this process we all need to listen and learn what is changing in ours.

I personally know that I will have issues with a few different foods already. I can already feel that my body heats up to the point of discomfort when I eat high amounts of sugar. I have stomach cramps and "active bowels" (?) when I eat overly greasy food. I find that the best sleeping pill for me is a giant bowl of mac and cheese. I eventually hope that this surgery will allow me to stick to the foods that I know are good for me and leave me feeling good with out feeling the need to find a candy bar, or eat a fast food burger. I want to break my addiction to food.

2) Your relationship with your friends and family will change. The best of both will be there for you in the beginning when you are lossing weight and well... suffering some of the horror stories as you learn what foods will work for you. Those same good friends will be there when you have lost the weight and are able to do the activities and live the life style you want to live. I hope that everyone in your support group can do both of these. There are some however, that like to have a friend that is unthreatening. You know that friend, you both go out, to a bar, to a movie where ever, and they are getting the complements the stares, and you are ignored. Some will enjoy sharing the spot light. Others will resent the change in you after weight loss.

The worst thing that can happen is lossing the support of your spouse/significant other. If you are currently partnered with someone bring them into the process, even if they aren't going to get the surgery as well. Some will resent the changes and feel that you are becoming a different person who doesn't need or want them. Others will find a new jealous side should people notice you differently and react to you kindly. You may have to reassure your partner that you are a different person but still very much in love with them. Your SO has to be there providing that stable place that you can be yourself in. You've got to have a place where you can feel safe and an outlet for your own fears and concerns. This is an emotional process and don't forget that you are perfectly valid in going through fear, happiness and any other emotion you feel.

I have no SO but a lot of good supportive friends and family. I had to sit one friend down and have, what I call a selfish moment where we talk about me and this surgery and health in general. During that time I went over another family disease that I can already see in me. I'm afraid that due to the Stickler's syndrome just losing weight may not be enough. I may still have issues with my joints and walking. I still feel that weighing less will be better.

3) Your relationship with yourself will change as well. I think that is the part I'm looking forward to the most. I'm dying to go kayaking, hiking everything that I've always loved and found myself less and less able to do. I'm also learning to accept myself in changing. I respect myself more as the weight goes down, just from the pre-surgery diet changes.

As the Indigo Girls say "Take some time for yourself and learn to heal." My insurance and Dr both agree that I'll have 6 weeks after surgery to learn my body a little bit better. Some of that is the migration from clear liquid to small amounts of real food, but a lot of that is just learning who you are all over again.

Vitamin B- Better Take IT. (pre-op)

When you lose your stomach and get a pouch there are a whole new set of rules that you have to follow for better health.  Losing weight it not the only goal after all.  Your medical team, and every weight loss book you read will focus heavily on the protein intake.  They will even tell you why, after all protein is an important building block in our bodies and with out it bad things happen.  You may lose your hair, cell deterioration will occur making it harder to heal wounds, tolerate sunlight.  You'll get light headed easily and may suffer bouts of fainting.  None of that is good and I will never advise getting less protein will be better. The best goal is 30 grams per meal or snack upper limits reaching 120 grams a day.

I want to take a minute to talk about some of the other vitamins and what can happen when you don't get enough of them.  First and formost is Vitamin B.  Why you may ask?  Because I know what happens when you are lacking it. Even pre-surgery I have to take a supplement for it. 

Now, currently I'm taking one that I get at the grocery store but it is available online.  Vitamin B when digested by a full stomach gets absorbed in the lower lining area right before it goes into the intestin.   If you get a lap band, you still have this and will still digest vitamin B normally.   With the RNY you have your pouch, and will need to take a sublingual version.   Because it is absorbed in the mouth you get all the great benefits of the supplement and don't have to worry about the pouch not absorbing it correctly. 

Why should you take it?  After all the protein covers cell growth and healing, keeps your hair healthy, isn't that enough?

No.  Lacking Vitamin B causes many issues as well.   You can have even greater energy loss coupled with intense nerver pain!   This is where my personal experience comes in.   I eat everything under the sun, it is one of my weaknesses.   When I plan meals I try to recreat a rainbow.   I love vegetables and fruits, but have a healthy love of meats and legumes.  I thought for years, no way would I need supplements.  

The change occurred when I have high amount of pain in my arms and hands.  I blamed my work desk.  I got physical therapy.  I got cushions for my arms to place on my chair.  I got a special desk that lowered the keyboard so I wouldn't have additional strain on the arms during work.   The pain.. lessened., but it didn't go away completely.   After 2 years of being in almost constant dull pain with some days being worse then others, I went to see a hand specialist.  I had a neurological team run an EMG.  I had a nice high medical bill at that point since my otherwise excellent insurance didn't cover this.   After another week to evaluate the results the specialist said, "Can you try taking a vitamin B supplement for a few weeks?  Call me if you still have pain after that."   Well, my pain went away quickly and quietly and I never went back. 

The other thing you will want to find quickly is a nice multi vitamin.  I still like the liquid version here too.  You can find research to support the pills being fine.  you can find research saying the liquids are better.  I like them because I feel more energetic with the liquid ones then I do with the pill.   The main reason for taking one is simple.  All bodies need to have all the vitamins to work properly.   A good multi will provide A, B, C, D, folic acid and several other trace minerals.  Stay close to what is recommended for daily intake.  Out bodies can't absorb unlimited amounts of all the vitamins we take in so save your money and don't go over board. Harvard Medical has a great article  with yet more links explaining the importance of each part of a multi vitamin.  

The only part that I do a little more naturally, is the vitamin D.  First off, most milk is fortified with it.  Orange juice now comes with it added in... it's all over.  We still need direct sunlight to really get the most from it.  By direct sunlight I mean a few minutes a day with out sunscreen.  Having your legs or arms exposed to natural light as you go about daily life will help you process vitamin D. So step out in the sun, feel it's warmth and if it's going to be longer then 10 minutes, slather on the sun screen.

A new start (pre-op)

I've started this blog a thousand times in my head, but it only begins one way.

In the summer of 2009 I managed to weight 312 pounds. I was appalled despite having hovered just under 300 pounds for several years. At that point I knew I needed professional help. Not because I was in pain now. Not because I wasn't seeing anyone, but because I wanted a better future then my present.

I have watched as my mother has received knee surgeries, and ankle surgeries, each time she loses some of her now but comes back with a better tomorrow. After her second knee replacement and my ever growing size, I felt that the best way for me to lose weight and not gain it back was a Roux-En-Y gastric bypass. It seemed drastic to many people since I was still able to do many of the activities that I loved, wasn't diabetic and had an ever growing circle of friends. I seemed happy on the outside, and didn't let people get close enough to see how hard it was to not eat more then I needed. Not binge on any chocolate that was sitting in eye sight.

As a side note, like many people considering this surgery food is my addiction. If I'm feeling low, or celebrating, just bored or engaged with friends, there is almost always food around. I've been meeting with my prospective surgeon for almost 6 months now, and many things have changed such as my ability to determine if I'm actually hungry, or just emotionally starved. Even still, there is that moment when eating a meal that I just want to go a little bit further, eat a little bit more, have just one (I swear) bite of dessert. The best and most important decision I made was in my surgical team. Not only do I trust my surgeon, but the team includes an exercise physiologist, a dietician and a psychologist. This safety net of support has helped me learn diet changes and provided accountability with my pre surgery diet, and exercise habits. I can not stress enough how important it is to get a surgen with a good record and a great support team. They are helping me overcome this addiction with mental and physical tools.

Now June 2nd of 2010 I am down to 292 at a pre surgery weight and I am waiting to see when I can be scheduled. Insurance has been accepted and I have gone through their 6 month waiting period with their rules and guide lines. My next meeting with be June 8th and I can't wait.

I look forward to sharing more about my journey and hope that you can find some enjoyment of Bariatrics for Me.